Finding My Way Back To The Lord

I remember one hot summer day year ago, I was so excited about riding my bike with my older sister. My sister had other plans of riding with her friends that didn’t include a nagging little sister. And they were clear they didn’t want me to ride along. But I insisted. As we rode and rode, I noticed we were getting further and further away from our neighborhood. I recognized some of the neighborhoods, but I had never visited any of them. As a matter of fact, we were told specifically not to go that far from home.



My sister and her friends began to peddle faster and soon I found myself lagging far behind. After a while, I could no longer see them and I no longer knew where I was. I was afraid and angry. I slowed down and looked around trying to remember the direction from which I came. I rode up and down and around one corner. There was a trailer park to my right and apartments to my left. I was lost! I didn’t know what to do and I wasn’t sure whose door to knock on to ask for help.


Soon, I saw a girl come out of a trailer home. I recognized her as a classmate of mine, we’ll call Trina. My heart was racing. She saw me and spoke and asked me to come over to her house. I told myself I would ask her parents for directions when I got inside the house. I could hear my mother’s voice, “Never go inside of your friend’s home without permission and certainly not if their parents aren’t home!” I asked if her mother was home. “Yes!” I was so happy until I entered the home. There were so many people and there was so much noise and lots of smoke. I remember feeling very hot and quite uncomfortable. I could barely breathe.



I knew I was in a bad place. No one even noticed me. And I couldn’t discern which adult to talk to. So, I slipped out of the door unnoticed, just like I slipped in. I got on my bike and I remember praying for a sign. I never had a sense of direction, and nothing around felt familiar. The sun was now setting and I remember wanting to cry. I knew that would only waste time and affect my ability to see. I rode out to the street and at one end I could see a little traffic. At the other end, there appeared to be more apartments. I decided to ride toward the traffic. The closer I got toward the intersection, the more sounds of life began to appear. There were cars, trucks and pedestrians. It seemed as if the world had opened up.



I recognized this street from riding in the car with my father. I remember a red brick house amongst a row of white houses. Remembering that house was always on my right when going toward home, I knew to turn right. The darkness was chasing me. And I knew once I made it home, I would be in so much trouble because I was late!! But I was ok with that. I wanted to go home to my family. I was yearning the safety of my home.



As I continued riding home, familiar landmarks began to appear. The bumps on the roads were familiar. The sidewalks were familiar. The corner store with the pinwheel cookies was familiar. I was so happy and the fear was fleeing from my heart. I began anticipating all the questions that would come from my mother and of course the pending punishment. I thought about all the things that could have happened and was grateful just to be going home.



I slowly walked and opened the door to a quiet house. My mother just starred as if she was waiting on a response to a question she didn’t have to ask. I started explaining how my sister and her friends ditched me and how I was just trying to find my way home. I could tell she was disappointed. I could also tell she was quite relieved to see me. I did not get the whipping I was expecting or deserved, but I was placed on punishment. I was quite happy to be confined to the safety of my home.



Recently, I found myself back on this same road feeling lost. I allowed circumstances and people to distract me. I didn’t realize it until I found myself in an unfamiliar “neighborhood”. I allowed myself to become busy and preoccupied with “stuff.” I was praying, but less than usual. I was reading the word, but not studying. I was singing, but didn’t have the physical energy to praise like I desired.



The emotional neighborhood I found myself in was loud, smoky, and filled with lots of people. I was a part of conversations I shouldn’t be. Listening to sounds and noises that disturbed my peace.



Finally, I stopped and prayed. I stood still. I listened for His voice. I looked to the clearing and saw a familiar place. I recognized the landmarks of peace and serenity. My heart became warm.



Lord, I am lost. Please help me. I am so sorry.



I never left you! Turn Right!



Lord, I wasted so much time.



It’s thrown into the sea of forgetfulness.



Lord, thank you for keeping me safe when I didn’t deserve.



I am rich in mercy.



Thank you, Lord!

Letting Tears Flow and Letting Stuff Go and Letting God be God

I returned to work on Monday and found that I had to move to another desk. I looked around at the “stuff” I had to move. There were family pictures, desk supplies, training manuals, books, certificates, and way too much paper. A newly hired associate stated, “You have a lot of stuff.” I acknowledged reminding myself how very important all of this was for the completion of my job.


I came up with a plan of action to move everything. It quickly became cumbersome and awkward, because I decided to move throughout the day and not all at once. I was taking time to read everything, making piles to review later, and also adding update material to the paper I already had. I had a notebook for this and a notebook for that! Overwhelmed, I decided to move everything to the new desk and sort later!

The next day, as I was sitting down, the associate said, “You brought everything with you. Moving is a perfect time to purge a lot of stuff!’ OMG!! And my mind jerked back to Alabaster Woman Retreat last weekend in Myrtle Beach, SC.

I remember sitting in the conference room with rapt attention. The air was energetic and the Spirit was not stagnant in the room. I was thinking about the journey to the retreat and I knew I had made a wise choice. Yet, the truth was, I had been “here” before. I have been on this path with the Lord to be delivered from my past. And certainly the Lord showed up. I learned to bless the ones who brought harm to me and to forgive.

Child, I can move you if your take everything with you. This is a perfect time to purge!

I saw the letters written on the pad, O.I.L. I am listening, taking pictures, taking notes. My rhythm is off. I put the pad down. I pick it up. I put the pad under my chair. I pick it up. I read the words. Who wrote this! I couldn’t make sense of it.

Put down your pen. Put down your pad. Do nothing. Be still.

I tried to write over the notes on the paper to make the words make sense. I feel the very real presence of the Holy Spirit.

Put down your pen. Put down your pad. Do nothing. Be still.

When you are going through, you don’t get to fast forward. You don’t have permission to decide how the Lord is going to act and who he’s going to send. You can’t write a sequel to God’s instructions.

I had been experiencing a ceiling made of glass between me and the Lord. I had an earnest desire and therefore, kept seeking. I could see it. I couldn’t touch. The ceiling remained. I had to be honest. I hadn’t completely let go. There was a part of me; I was holding back “just in case.”

This reminded me of a time when I was young and hanging at Holloway Pool in my hometown, Kinston, NC. I climbed the steps of the tallest diving board to jump for the first time. And then I changed my mind. There was a line of kids behind me on the ladder and they wouldn’t back down! So, I had to jump!

No difference in my walk. I had fought and agonized with the Lord to take the ghost of my past and allow them to be step stools. But then I was spooked when he wanted me to go into all of the rooms of my heart. I had only allowed the Lord in my living room. You know the room that is pristine with the plastic covering, where no one can sit and it’s just for company. I couldn’t allow the Lord in the bedroom with secrets. I couldn’t allow him to see me hiding in a bathroom. I couldn’t tell the Lord, what he already knew.

But God!!!!

But God!!!

I put down my pen and my pad!

The spirit is stirring around the room and my body is aching. My heart is crowded. Too much stuff! Too many papers! Too many tears! Too much time spent hiding.

I felt the firm grip of her hand. I looked at Dr. Michelle, yet I didn’t see her. My tears fell like the Niagara Falls and I let them flow…..really flow. I can’t describe what happened next. Neither the thesaurus nor dictionary.com has the words I am looking for. Some of it was clear, most of it was not. I truly let go and let God.

Then,

I heard the command, “You are not taking this back with you!”

I am whole!

You are not taking this back with you!”

I am whole!

There was thunder and lightning in my heart. The Lord struck down lies, shame, more lies; The Lord entered the rooms of my heart and ripped the thick rough black shade that blocked the light in each room. He replaced them with sheer panels of forgiveness and love. He ripped out carpet stained with dandruff, dust, blood, urine, dirt, tears. The Lord replaced it with shiny oak hardwood floors that don’t squeak when I kneel and pray.

I rejoiced and I could hear the word, “Guard your heart…”

Let go my child. Let go and seek Me.

My burden felt light knowing the Spirit was working in me. As I am standing, I see my sistah Candi approaching me. She embraced and began to pray earnestly to the Lord. And the Lord spoke….

I am not finished! There’s another room.

Not yet, Lord!

I am bigger than that room!

More time, Lord!

I have come that you might have life more abundantly!

And in the moment, I opened the door to that room. It was dark. No windows. The room held the deepest of unspeakable pain, sorrow, injury of the mind, body and soul of a little girl who just desired love. A little girl who once trusted. A little girl who once loved herself. A little girl filled with anger. A little girl forced to hold the secret or else….. Just a little girl….

But God!!!

Oh my Lord, but God!!!

God himself showed up and showed out! He ripped that door and destroyed that room. You were Chosen!

I don’t understand, Lord.

You were Chosen!

My heart sank and my sistah Candi held on.

In that moment!! In that very moment I was delivered!

You were Chosen To Survive! You are whole! PERIOD!

Thank you, Lord!

Thank you , Lord!

Thank you, Lord!


http://alabasterwoman.squarespace.com/photo-album/alabaster-sisters-getaway/

Yes, I want more, Lord!

Shout triumphantly to the Lord, all the earth. Serve the Lord with gladness; come before Him with joyful songs. Psalm 100: 1-2 Holman CSB




This morning started out a lazy feeling day. It was cool outside. The sky was bluish grey and hazy. The sun wasn't as bright yet, just peeking through the clouds. This could have been the ingredient for a melancholy mood. Yet, I was happy for Earth to be the recipient of nourishment from Heaven. I was happy for the rose bushes in my yard and the carpet of grass encasing my home. It felt really peaceful compared to Hurricane Irene a couple of weeks ago.



I am feeling so thankful and grateful just for being here. The sun arose this morning, giving me another opportunity to praise God. And I am doing just that. Just because!



Recently I was reading from the book of Proverbs, which is one of my favorite books. And my mind began to wonder. I was thinking about all of the studies and readings I have done over the past year. I was in awe of how the Lord has changed situations, circumstances and people in my life. After entertaining these thoughts for a little while, my heart swelled with joy just knowing how the Lord changed me!



Yet, a part of me felt empty. I know there are some things I haven’t fully surrendered. There are some pains, sorrows, and people I haven’t fully surrendered. And because of that, my spiritual life has become stagnant. Certainly, the Lord doesn’t desire for me a mediocre life. Jesus desires that my life is victorious in him.



It is senseless for me to sit through another powerful sermon, another stimulating discussion in Sunday school, read another inspiring blog, another thought provoking Bible study and feel great in the moment, yet not meditate immediately on what I have received. And though all of thiese activities have certainly helped me grow spiritually, the Lord is calling me to do more. I know that is what this restlessness is. And yes, I want more!



The Lord has been good to me. And I want to continue to walk in his light. I desire to open my heart to his words and to live the victorious life I am blessed with.

Gotta Get On Your Knees to Get to the Corners

Psalms 23:1 The Lord is my Shephard. I shall not want.


One of my favorite memories as a child is listening to my mother sing while she cleaned the house. Cleaning seem to be one of her favorite past times. Once we entered elementary school, we were assigned chores. These chores rotated between me and my 3 siblings. My favorite chore was washing dishes because it was always quiet, since everyone cleared out of the kitchen after meals. My least favorite was hanging clothes on the clothes line. It just seemed the clothes line went on forever and ever.

A couple of times during the year, we had to do some deep cleaning. I never looked forward to this because I knew it would take up most of the day and it had to done right the first time! We had to wash down the walls, wash windows and screens and make sure the floors were immaculate. We learned to test the floor with bare feet to ensure there was no grit.

One of my mother’s pet peeves was dirt left in the corners beneath the lower cabinets in the kitchen. So, she wasn’t satisfied that we swept and then mopped the floor. Those methods ensured we pushed the dirt further in the corners. Therefore, she instructed us to get on our knees to get the dirt we had pushed in the corners so deep you could see from afar. We would use old toothbrushes and other methods to get to the dirt.

As much as I hated doing it, the rewards were great! My mother was quite pleased at our efforts. And the kitchen floor was immaculate. The kitchens seem airy, peaceful, and clean. And it certainly was the hub of the home.

Many of us have struggled with the dirts in our lives for weeks, months, years. Depression, loneliness, anger, forgiveness, relationship issues make up some of the dirt in the corners of our lives. These issues can often fester and turn into something else when we try to do things our way or try to fix situations. We look in the mirror and the issues boldly look back at us. We drink ourselves into oblivion, the issues are regurgitated. We delete people, yet keep them on our hard drives.

When I approached the altar at church to pray, I realized my injured knee wouldn’t allow me to bow down. I stood up and held on the railing. My heart cried out and the Lord did hear my cry. Yet, I realize how important the gesture of kneeling and praying is in my life. I am thankful for yet another opportunity to Bow Down On My Knees and pray. I am grateful to Bow Down On My Knees to get in the corners!

Dirt is trying to wrestle with me and take my focus! I won’t let it. I won’t give in! I won’t quit!

We have to get on our knees, look in the corners of our hearts and allow the Lord to clean out the dirty places and replace them with His peace, His love and His joy!

Song in my heart…How Great Thou Art!

Awaiting a Bountiful Harvest

Therefore, by their fruit you will know them, Matthew 7:20


My daughter Briana, 14 and I were admiring the leaves from the patio. She knows my love of nature and quickly noted, “The leaves are changing, Mommy!” I shared in her excited and noticed just how many leaves were on the ground after Hurricane Irene.

I asked her what her favorite season was. I found her answer quite interesting. “I don’t like that question because I don’t have a favorite. I like the transitions between the seasons.” Wow, what a wonderful observation.

As I am witnessing the transition to fall, there are many green leaves on the tress. Yet acorns are falling on the patio and the tips of some leaves are turning different colors. It’s a magical time. Soon it would be cooler and time to harvest apples and pumpkins. I am looking forward to the North Carolina Mountains displaying the changing of the leaves.

But while I acknowledge what is happening in nature, the same holds true for my life. I know I am in some sort of transition. I have prayed without ceasing over the past 2-3 years. My thirst for the Word took me to new spiritual heights and I experienced the Lord in a way I hadn’t before.

I realized there were some relationships in my life that had to die. They were stressful. They were producing no good fruit. And they were sapping me of energy. Now the Lord is transitioning me to a place of peace.

I have learned my gifts belong to the Lord. So, that in all that I do, I will acknowledge the Lord. And as a result, there are gifts that I buried years ago, that the Lord had resurfaced. I can’t even keep up with the overflow of blessings!

In my season of transition, I am recognizing God’s presence and waiting to hear from Him. This new life is so foreign to me. The possibilities of the summer are slowly diminishing. I am walking into and claiming a season of harvest.

Celebrating A Man of God..Pastor Tacuma Johnson

But the natural man does not welcome what comes from God’s Spirit, because it is foolishness to him; he is not able to know it since it is evaluated spiritually. The spiritual person, however, can evaluate everything, yet he himself cannot be evaluated by anyone. 1 Corinthians 2:14-14 Holman CSB


I developed a love of reading at a very early age. My favorite thing to read was the dictionary and encyclopedia. I would lie down on the couch and spent a many summer days taken away to places beyond my capacity. One of the reasons I loved the dictionary was it provided me with words to use when I was angry or sad. Those emotions had to be suppressed, so I had to find a way to express myself in my dairy.

As a result of reading almost anything in front of me, I began yearning for an understanding of the Bible at an early age, around 10 or 11. The summer of 1975 I started trying to read the Bible from beginning to end. But I soon became overwhelmed. I had so many questions. I would go to church with a head full of questions and thoughts. And I would greet my mother at the door after she returned from work with the burning question of the day. It seemed that most adults were too busy or had so many grown up things to handle that my questions got in their way.

Yet, my yearning increased. And I would spend moments crying out to the Lord asking for forgiveness because I was afraid that I wasn’t doing something he wanted me to know. I talked to my mother about baptism and joined the church. I started going to Bible study and noticed there weren’t any youth at Bible study. I walked to Bible study with my mother and was so excited to go. I felt like a big girl. But this one particular night, the elder was reading a particular text. As he was speaking from the text, I realized he was saying something totally different from what the text said. So, I am looking around at the adults and no one is saying anything. Everyone was listening with blank stares.

I raised my hands. The elder kept talking. I continued to raise my hands. The elder finally acknowledged my hand. I asked for understanding. He scolded me for interrupting and implying he may have been incorrect. I held my head down in shame. No one spoke up. The room silenced. The elder’s chest is out, proud of his moment to set things in order.

My heart was sad and I learned then not to question anything a man of God had to say…..at least out loud. I was quiet and shy and remained that way until college. I would listen to the sermons and other’s talk about the Bible and always felt as if what the saints were saying was much more complicated than what I was reading. I was convinced the Lord would not require something of my life and then make it unattainable.

At age 15, I was blessed with a youth pastor, Pastor James Parham. And he had such enormous patience with my endless questions. He was able to teach me how to study and read the Bible so that my literal mind wouldn’t be swept away. I continued my quest to read the Bible through and when I finally got to Proverbs, I was captivated. The poetic words just spoke to my heart. The lessons were clear and concise and I knew how to research by then. And my quest continued….

I never stopped studying and the Lord never stopped placing people in my path. So, let’s fast forward to 2011. This weekend we will be celebrating the 3rd anniversary of our pastor, Pastor Tacuma Johnson, a man of God. I have sat under the teaching of Pastor Johnson with rapt attention for 3 years. He has such a deep sincere desire for the people of God to experience a real relationship with God.

He has taken the greatest book ever, the Bible, that some have made unattainable and broken it in pieces to complete the many puzzles in my life. He has never once showed impatience when I gave a blank stare meaning, “What? Huh? Say that again!”

Over the years Pastor Johnson's message has been clear. That message is that “God is your source.” From the sermon “A Sit Down Anointing' to “The Deep Things” to “ Count Yourself” he has left the congregations with messages such as:

*Seek God First”

*”God begins with the end in mind.”

*”Some people try to make you powerless and make you think they are your life line. You have the power to speak to your situation.”

*”How wonderful life would be for those who have a REAL relationship with God.” (message to the youth)

*”Worship like you care more about what God thinks!”

*”Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get to the back of the boat. And stop looking at the storm!”

*”Vison – life changes when you see it, not when you get it.”

*”Count yourself, Count Yourself New, Count Yourself Alive”

*Again.....”Seek God First” Matthew 6:33



Many of us are uncomfortable when someone speaks about how the Spirit is working through men and women of God. Please don't be distracted by my words. Celebrate with me an honorable man of God who has submitted his life to the Most High. A man who loves, honors and respects his helpmeet , Lady Dr. Michelle Johnson and father of a wonderful little girl.

When someone passes away, sometimes there are lines of people waiting to say things they never said when the person was alive. Today has presented me another opportunity to say something kind to a wonderful person.

God bless you , Pastor Johnson and thank you for allowing God to lead you.




~Blessings

Finding Peace in the Night's Storm

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5


I sat across from yet another doctor giving me an explanation for the pain and discomfort I have been suffering for months. I felt myself rushing trying to get to the end of the visit. I was so tired of being probed, touched, pushed and pulled. I must have had a distinguished look on my face when the doctor said, “How are you feeling right now?” I was trying to find the words, yet none of the thoughts in my head would stop long enough for me to verbalize what I was feeling, thinking.

I was completely numb and couldn’t rap my head around more than one issue going on at a time! Then I noticed something about how my physical body was reacting. There are times when I feel stress or anxious, I can feel my heart racing and I become irritable. Yet, this time was different. I recognize that I couldn’t capture my thoughts because most of the time that is my reality! Lol That’s one of the reasons I write.

But all morning I was singing and praising. I knew the Lord was with me. I was assured he had heard my cries in the night. I was certain he wiped my tears at the altar. And I was certain he said, “Trust me!” while in the prayer circle. Therefore, sitting across from the doctor, my mind was blank and full at the same time. The words had wings flying in head. I felt peace.

I could hear the angel the Lord sent to me after Bible study saying, “You are whole”. I have owned those words. “I am whole! I am whole! I am whole!

When sleepless nights seem to reign in my life, I try to focus my mind on something in nature that makes me feel close to the Lord. The think about long nature walks in the woods, making note of smells of the wood and the earth, the sight of tall trees; some broken some standing strong. I am in awe of how some leaves are smooth and others have rough veins throughout. There are some wild flowers and berries that are edible. Note the location. I may need them. And lastly, in my mind’s eye I can hear the glorious sounds of the birds while dashing from limb to limb.

Nature connects me with God. And closing my eyes takes me to a place where I can commune with Him and find peace.