Be Still My Thoughts and Flow...

Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, my Help and my God.  Psalm 42-5

At any given moment I have a million thoughts running through my mind. That has been the case my whole life. It can be annoying and intriguing at the same time. Sometimes I feel my thoughts chasing me and other times, I am chasing my thoughts. Then there are times when I need to turn it off and just clear my mind. That is the reason I started keeping a journal in 7th grade. The whole world seemed really big and it didn’t make sense. And I wanted to put all that down, so that my thoughts will be STILL!


I remember writing about people and the decisions they made. I was intrigued when people did the same thing over and over, even when the results weren’t good. I watched lives being destroyed and paths being altered. Then I saw these same people back on the same road, going the same direction, wishing for a different encounter. Maybe in the end, it worked and I didn’t notice. I was a girl looking through a very narrow window.

I remember joining the Psychology Today book club when I was in junior high school. I ordered several books. I was going to figure this out. The first books I ordered were, Helping People Change, Feelings, and Depression. The books arrived glossy and filled with so much information. And I quickly learned, for the most part, I had no idea what the books were talking about. I did not understand the language.

I approached my father, who was taking a psychology course at the time. I told him I wanted to be a psychologist. He was so excited! He presented me with his Psychology Textbook. The book was easy to read and I found delight in my quest to learn. Often he would ask me, “Do you really understand that?”

After I got the basics, I returned to my books from the Psychology Today book club. I began to realize that my quest wasn’t to understand the people around me. My quest was to understand myself. I was quiet, quirky and could be a little off beat. All of that worked as long as I stayed in my own corner. Otherwise, people were always trying to “fix” me so that I can blend it……be a chameleon. My teacher’s complained that I laughed too much and that I made faces! Well, I laughed because if felt good and I thought most people were really funny. People watching can be the most interesting thing to do! I guess the faces represented all of the thoughts in my head. Just yesterday a lady walked by my desk laughing saying, "Straighten up your face!"

I love to express creatively through poems, blogging, sewing, art quilting and music. I have found one way to get rid of the artist block that stunts creativity is too always worry about what others think you should do and how you should create. I am not speaking of the people who offer encouraging suggestions. I am speaking of people who always want to alter your dreams or your ideas for your projects. I am learning to jump out on faith and to be true to the writing and my sewing.

Many times when I speak, I have to write down my thoughts in order to stay focused. But when I write or sew in my sewing room, I feel free to just create. I feel in my spirit the Lord desires this for me as well. Peace, calmness and confidence.

There are some things I can’t change about myself, so I have embraced just being me. It’s a wonderful feeling!!