Letting Go!

My spouse and I were talking about our early college years the other day. I arrived at college a very hurt, confused, closed off, and quiet girl. I had carried the burden of hurt, shame, and an unforgiving spirit. I spent most of my nights crying and most of my free days sleeping. I was an emotional mess. I lived for years in this state. I tried wearing a brave, strong face, but my inside was ripped and my soul was sad and my spirit severely hurt. For years, I never knew there was another way to live….or another way to feel.


In order to keep myself safe, I blocked people from my life. But in doing so, I blocked the bad things and blessings meant for my life. I began to seek God in a deeper way. I heard a sermon at a women’s day celebration about 20 years ago and the speaker kept saying, “You have to get on your knees and stay on knees and agonize with God!” Those words resonated with me and I instantly changed my prayer life. I was suffering and going deeper and deeper into a depressive state.

That was the beginning of the Lord guiding me out of such a dark tunnel. There were so many people and events I was holding on to. I was holding on to actions, words, dates, etc. All of these things had me bound. I tried over and over to forgive and forget. And so often, I thought I had. But events in my everyday life reminded me that I had not been freed.

Finally, I let God have His way! I was trying to give pieces of myself on my terms to the Lord. How many know that didn’t work! I had to know where the line was. I had to be committed to the change I was seeking. And when I got it wrong, I had to GET UP and allow God to renew my spirit. There are days still, when I don’t get it right. But the difference is I have learned to stay on my knees and cry out to the Lord.

I experienced a freedom in the Lord so deep and so real, that I am getting to know myself all over again.

Thank God!

I am also in awe of God's greatness. He is truly faithful and I am so grateful to Him for never forsaking me. This week I loaded pictures of myself from when I was a teenager and a young adult. This was an important process for me for my healing. Many people from my hometown responded with memories of time spent hanging out and remembering my smile. Of the 306 people who graduated with me, only one person knew how sad I was inside. Only one person knew I cried myself to sleep almost every night. A teacher or two noticed I cried in class sometimes, but they dare not ask.



It had been years since I viewed the pictures. That was on purpose. I always saw the broken heart and broken trust whenever I looked at my childhood pictures. This time I saw the little girl the Lord has been waiting on! This time I saw the hope in my face. I realized that the Lord never, ever left me. He brought me to my knees so that I can depend on Him and to seek His face.



I can barely finish this note at my desk, tearing and the presence of God is all over me. I thought I was just going to write about a simple experience. But it's more than that. I am free! I am free from the pain! I am free from the mistrust! I am free from the anger! And mostly I am free from an unforgiving spirit.



Lord, I thank you! Lord, I thank you! Lord! Lord! Lord!



Please sisters pray with me! Hallelujah!



Lord I need you! Lord, I praise you! Lord, I thank you just for being you and never leaving me!!!

I encourage you to let go and let God! There is freedom in Christ when you release people and events that have represented themselves as strongholds in your life. Take some time daily to meditate on the word and allow God to fill your heart and flood out things that shouldn’t be there.