The year 2010 was the most profound year. I remember beginning the year thinking things had to be different. The journal entries for January 1 were beginning to copy and paste themselves from year to year. My past had taken center stage in my heart and it seemed to always be in pain. I had made the pain of the past a very important part of my makeup. I remember writing feverishly as a child in my journal trying to make sense of the real and perceived harm done to me. I somehow thought because adults knew better, then they would always do better. Why else would grown people be in charge of some of my life? I learned to not trust people and to keep everyone at a safe distance.
I remember the sermons at church taking on an exciting theme which involved being radical about your praise, radical about your worship and radical about your faith. For months I felt something growing in my spirit and I knew the only way to receive what God had for me was to be open. I prayed daily for the uncomfortable feeling I got when people where in my personal space. At times I really wanted to scream!! But I trusted God will help me deal with my anxiety. I felt ashamed of this feeling because so many people around me seem to be at ease with the human touch. Once I began confessing my anxiety and my need for help, the feelings began to become less intense. I realized there was never any reason to feel shame. God never intended that I live under such a cloud created by experiences that made me feel less than the child of God I knew I was.
I felt myself feeling a little ill and a little less energetic as the months passed. But I ignored the subtle signs, took days off from work when needed and kept pushing on. My path was crossing people in my past I had long tried to forget or dismiss. It seemed these people’s names were coming up in general conversations. I would read books that reminded me of past traumas and I would hear sermons that reminded me of dramatic events in my life. I would pray, “Lord, what is happening? Why do I have to face these situations again? Why do I have to talk about life experiences? Why can’t my harden heart survive?
I felt angry because I thought I was getting to know God in a more intimate way. I thought I would put the things that were holding me back in a little box until I was ready to deal with it. Guess what? That didn’t work! My teenage and young adult years were filled with thoughts of how I thought God should deal with the people who caused me pain. And on the outside it appeared their lives were flourishing. I didn’t understand that. And since I confided in no one, I felt alone, angry and confused. These emotions will always fertilize your soul with something bad. And because the plant may grow slowly, it may slow walk you down.
I prayed earnestly for God to enter my heart so that I may forgive. My Pastor’s word from the pulpit one Sunday, “We can never have what we can not say.” I am struggling, “God must I say these things out loud?” Another sermon I heard the Pastor say, “ Worship like you care more about what God thinks!” Hmmm mmmm, Are you talking to me??
God sent His word to me in every imaginable way. The word of forgiveness was manifested in Women’s Bible Study, Mid-week Bible Study, Noon day Bible study, Sermons, Televangelists,Sunday school lessons, Watch night Services, and devotion.
I was clear this was God working on me in a mighty powerful way. I knew these were confirmations from God and my heart began a transformation. The memories I tried to suppress, I allowed to come forth. My heart was sad for the little girl lost and I cried out to God to help me. To save her! To save me! The tears from my cheeks had carved such a deep river of complex feelings over the course of my life, and each day I was swimming in this river without a life jacket! I needed God in a very real way. I felt myself drowning and the only way to open my heart to the wonderful teaching I was receiving, was to do something different, something radical, something life changing. And that was to Seek God First.
I agonized on my knees with God and laid all of this before Him. And I realize I had given my past so much power! God was greater than anything I had ever gone through! God was greater the power of my past! I realized I need to till the soil of my heart and rotate some crops. So many situations had taken residence in heart. I was blocking my own blessings! The Lord healed my heart and removed any scar tissue. I was able to bless the people who brought me harm. I realized after testimonies that my words weren’t for me. My praise wasn’t for me! My forgiving wasn’t for me! It was all for the glory and honor of the Lord.
Questions to ponder... Is there someone in your life you need to forgive? Is there some past trauma you need to let go? Are there negative events in your past that have taken center stage in your life?
Just remember God is Greater Than Anything We Go Through!
Prayer
I remember the sermons at church taking on an exciting theme which involved being radical about your praise, radical about your worship and radical about your faith. For months I felt something growing in my spirit and I knew the only way to receive what God had for me was to be open. I prayed daily for the uncomfortable feeling I got when people where in my personal space. At times I really wanted to scream!! But I trusted God will help me deal with my anxiety. I felt ashamed of this feeling because so many people around me seem to be at ease with the human touch. Once I began confessing my anxiety and my need for help, the feelings began to become less intense. I realized there was never any reason to feel shame. God never intended that I live under such a cloud created by experiences that made me feel less than the child of God I knew I was.
I felt myself feeling a little ill and a little less energetic as the months passed. But I ignored the subtle signs, took days off from work when needed and kept pushing on. My path was crossing people in my past I had long tried to forget or dismiss. It seemed these people’s names were coming up in general conversations. I would read books that reminded me of past traumas and I would hear sermons that reminded me of dramatic events in my life. I would pray, “Lord, what is happening? Why do I have to face these situations again? Why do I have to talk about life experiences? Why can’t my harden heart survive?
I felt angry because I thought I was getting to know God in a more intimate way. I thought I would put the things that were holding me back in a little box until I was ready to deal with it. Guess what? That didn’t work! My teenage and young adult years were filled with thoughts of how I thought God should deal with the people who caused me pain. And on the outside it appeared their lives were flourishing. I didn’t understand that. And since I confided in no one, I felt alone, angry and confused. These emotions will always fertilize your soul with something bad. And because the plant may grow slowly, it may slow walk you down.
I prayed earnestly for God to enter my heart so that I may forgive. My Pastor’s word from the pulpit one Sunday, “We can never have what we can not say.” I am struggling, “God must I say these things out loud?” Another sermon I heard the Pastor say, “ Worship like you care more about what God thinks!” Hmmm mmmm, Are you talking to me??
God sent His word to me in every imaginable way. The word of forgiveness was manifested in Women’s Bible Study, Mid-week Bible Study, Noon day Bible study, Sermons, Televangelists,Sunday school lessons, Watch night Services, and devotion.
I was clear this was God working on me in a mighty powerful way. I knew these were confirmations from God and my heart began a transformation. The memories I tried to suppress, I allowed to come forth. My heart was sad for the little girl lost and I cried out to God to help me. To save her! To save me! The tears from my cheeks had carved such a deep river of complex feelings over the course of my life, and each day I was swimming in this river without a life jacket! I needed God in a very real way. I felt myself drowning and the only way to open my heart to the wonderful teaching I was receiving, was to do something different, something radical, something life changing. And that was to Seek God First.
I agonized on my knees with God and laid all of this before Him. And I realize I had given my past so much power! God was greater than anything I had ever gone through! God was greater the power of my past! I realized I need to till the soil of my heart and rotate some crops. So many situations had taken residence in heart. I was blocking my own blessings! The Lord healed my heart and removed any scar tissue. I was able to bless the people who brought me harm. I realized after testimonies that my words weren’t for me. My praise wasn’t for me! My forgiving wasn’t for me! It was all for the glory and honor of the Lord.
Questions to ponder... Is there someone in your life you need to forgive? Is there some past trauma you need to let go? Are there negative events in your past that have taken center stage in your life?
Just remember God is Greater Than Anything We Go Through!
Prayer
Lord, thank you for being you! You are always there to relieve me of my load and to carry my burdens. I know the battles of the world are yours! Thank you for the gentle reminders that you alone are God.
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